


I am enough

by mathsthetic



Category: Yandere high school
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Delusions, Eating Disorders, Gen, Memory Loss, POV First Person, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Taurtis' POV, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathsthetic/pseuds/mathsthetic
Summary: Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237
Kudos: 23





	I am enough

**Author's Note:**

> This has a rushed ending because my mental state changed about halfway through

When it first started, I was living with my best friend Sam. He was a skinny little beansprout of a teen with no care for the things he put in his body. But it never made any real issue to his form. He was...perfect to say the least.

When I first moved in, he showed me how he does it and I never thought about it again. He was making himself sick. The thought had a similar effect on me, I guess because that’s when it started.

You see, when I first moved in with Sam after his dad went off, I was quite the opposite of him. I weighed above average, it was kind of embarrassing, but with the help of baggy clothes and an unearned amount of self confidence, I got away with it. Nobody said anything about my weight.

Nobody, except Sam. At school, he was normal, acting like it was nothing out of the ordinary, but when we would get home he was yelling down my throat. He shoved his fingers down my throat until I threw up on his shoes. It burned everything, but the look on his face made it all worth it, I would repeat this action countless times until it became more than a habit.

Grian came to visit Japan and he was similarly sized to Sam, only taller. Now I was the middle of the trio and it made me stand out more. The rabbit-eared boy started to change. His yelling and degrading got worse, going out in public was harmful. The stare he wore when I would take a bite of my favorite chips was burned into my eyelids.

So I stopped. Food became a thing I didn’t lay a finger on until it got to be unbearable. That wasn’t a hard line to cross. Habits went from eating everything in sight, a trait I gained from my mother, to not touching food.

Once a day, finishing off the night with a large meal that Sam would force out of me, and then a single carrot. Then, daily I would force it up. Then once every other day. Then three, four, five days. Within no time at all, I wasn’t eating for the whole week.

If it was having an effect on my physical form, I had no clue. I looked in the mirror and still saw the disgusting person Sam told me I was.

Sleep was hard to come by, I rarely got any and if a night was particularly bad, I would sit up in bed and watch Sam sleep. He could get away with actually eating food, what a bitch. A part of me was jealous of him for that. But, there wasn’t exactly much that could be done for that, could there? I was still a worthless, fat fuck and there he was small as hell..

That night was when I started trying more things. I took a pill that I had grabbed from behind the convenience store, some guy in a weird hat, who kinda looked like my dad, had offered it to me. He was kind and put and hand on my shoulder when he explained how I would take it.

“Every morning take one of these, they will suppress all your appetite for the next day or two. But don’t take unless you absolutely need to,” he explained and I nodded along.

With the help of this magical drug I had unlocked everything that I needed to know to help myself. I took one that next morning and didn’t have any cravings, I slept better and was generally happier, but the effect wore off after a day and a half and by lunch the next day my stomach was making sounds.

I took another then, hiding away in a bathroom so they wouldn’t see how I couldn’t look good without the help of a drug. Sam would kill me if he saw this. It was nothing he needed to know about, so I hid the bottle when Grian walked into the room. He fixed his hair, pissed, washed his hands and then left, not even glancing in my direction. He didn’t want to see this fucked up mess of a person that was broken in front of the mirror.

What a failure. I took a second pill before I went to bed, this marked ten days without eating anything and when that pill kicked in that was the best sleep I had since I first started. In fact, that little nap I took after school lasted until class started the next morning. Nobody had bothered to wake me up, after all who would want to walk to school with a fatass like me?

I got onto the train and went to the high school right at the start of gym class. The teacher was an asshole and was going especially hard on me lately. It was like he was mocking me in front of them all. Asking me if I was able to even do a push-up. I know how fat I am, he didn’t need to make such a big deal out of it in front of everyone.

That night I stared at the bathroom mirror for far too long. Why had none of this worked? Was I doing something wrong? After everything I had been doing something should have been working, but I was still the same as before I moved, if not bigger than before.

Now, fourteen days since I last ate, Miss Okami asked me to stay after class. She said I was perfect as I was now and offered me a cookie, saying that my weight didn’t matter. But what did she know? What does she know at all? She’s just as stupid as her husband. 

I started taking more of the pills, one just wasn’t cutting it anymore. The bottle was emptied within two weeks of starting, it was supposed to last two months. I was so angry. How could this help anyone? Sam and Grian didn’t talk to me anymore, they would only stare and whisper when we would get up in the morning and leave for school.

On day sixteen, they invited me to lunch at that fancy crab restaurant that we had been to so long ago. How fucking rude was that? After they both flaunt their perfect bodies at me, they want me to gourge myself. But that’s bullshit, I decline.

They say I am getting angrier. I caught Sam in tears one morning after his shower, saying he “should have never showed him”. Grian missed his first trip back home. Then, it was Halloween. We were having a battle about who could be the best.

“You know what?” Sam screamed when we had all left the high school, pulling his knife out on me. “This is all your fault, Taurtis!” We fought for a while, but he is stronger than he looks. He had pinned me down. It hurt so much. My arm was broken. He stabbed me.

So much had happened, I hardly noticed how weak I felt. Grian had to go back to the airport, so I drove him. Yeah, that was probably stupid, but what do I know? A mix of my general weakness and the blood loss from Sam’s knife made a cocktail that caused a crash.

“Taurtis!”

“I’m sorry, Grian!”

\---

Where am I? What happened? I look down and my body is covered only in a paper-thin fabric that appeared to have blood on it. Nothing seems normal. I’m sitting on a swing, rocking slowly back and forth to gain momentum and height. There is the sound of laughing friends and my ears catch them. They catch my stare and come closer.

The one with rabbit ears doesn’t bat an eye at me more than the original look of “oh a person”, but the other, a Brit, clearly worse than a rabbit, seems to know who I am.

“That’s Taurtis!” He keeps insisting and pointing a finger at me, but I am clueless as to who that name belongs. They lend me some clothes, a red sweater and some ripped jeans. They were baggy on me.

Although I know nothing about who I am and who I was, I know that the body I have is far too small to be healthy so I go to the Brit, who it turns out is the Taurtis guy he was calling for when we first met, poor delusional soul, and ask about the body. My ribs are visible, I can point to each and every one. My arms look like they can’t hold a pencil and my legs don’t look like they can evil support my rail-thin figure.

Taurtis breaks down crying then, telling me that I had to listen to him for just a moment. I nod, bracing for more delusional rambling. “I’m not Taurtis, Jerry,” he seems to struggle at calling me my name.

“My name is Grian, I am a friend of you and Sam, I’ve known you since I was seven.” His voice was unsteady, that was easy to tell. If he was delusional, he clearly believed this very much. “I wasn’t supposed to stay, but I am going to now. You were falling into a really bad eating disorder when I met you, Taurtis. You never ate. You were angry. You started popping pills.. We, Sam and I, were so scared for you, but if we mentioned it to you would push us away.

“We asked Okami and Rowan to try to convince you to stop and tried to show you that eating food is okay. But you didn’t listen. Sam blew up on you, he stabbed you..” This guy, Grian as he claims, now had tears down his cheeks. I nodded and he hugged me tight. It was strange and I didn’t know what to do, but if what he says is true, I have to make it better, don’t I?

“Okay, Grian,” I stared, inhaling deeply. “I’m Taurtis. I am..” Now it was my turn to cry at how emotional this was.

“Start small, here,” he grabbed a granola bar from seemingly nowhere, I didn’t want to ask, and passed it to me. “Try to eat half of this for me, please?”

It hurt, but the look on his face was worth it. Slowly, my memories came back, I knew who I really was, Grian seemed overly invested in my health and even Sam commented positively when I was gaining back my weight. I smiled more, I could control myself more, had no cravings that hurt like before.

Yes, I have a layer of fat on my body. My stomach is plush and my thighs make comfortable pillows. I am healing and that is what I am most proud of. After everything that I had gone through, I knew that it was impressive that I had even lived to tell the tale.

Looking in the mirror was hard for a while, I can still see the shadow of my former self, both ends of the spectrum. I learned eventually that my body is good enough. I am good enough. I am enough. Nobody will tell me otherwise.

**Author's Note:**

> I went through this, I am healthy now  
> But sometimes I have cravings to go back  
> You are not alone  
> I am here for you if you don't think you have anyone else.
> 
> Eating Disorder Hotline: 1-800-931-2237


End file.
